The Quarter Life: Romantic Relationships

Since I bootlegged the last Quarter Life, I figured I would re-hop on the bandwagon and give the laid back tropical island perspective. Since It is bootlegged and all, like 98% of the DVDs here in the Marshalls... I will simply sufice by saying you can check out the original work by Aaron here and the links to Bryce's from there.

So, on the topic. I will limit this as well to all about myself, philosophizing about everyone else through that narrow lens...

I talk a lot.

Everyone that knows me knows that.
Everyone that knows me has a love/hate relationship with how much I talk. Sometimes it is amusing, sometimes it is confusing, and half the time, only I am in the mood for it. I repeat stories 1000 times and I need to share anything and everything I get excited about with everyone at anytime. And I get excited about almost everything. Hence... there's a lot to say!

Yet, as those who know me very well also know. While I wear who I am on my sleeve, I also restrain myself from sharing a significant part of my genuine feelings and personal thoughts about things that are important or significant to my life. I get uncomfortable talking about myself in real depth, I've even been uncomfotable writing this blog sometimes.

So, what the hell does all this have to do with romantic relationships, Mike?

Unfortunately, for me and those I have been involved with, I treat romantic situations, if they can be called romantic, in the same way that I treat my topics of conversation. It is quick and easy for me to get myself into "relationships" that are fundamentally superficial and frequently produced by a moment of brief excitement, a fleeting passion for something shiny... sometimes, it doesn't even have to be that shiny. BUT, when it comes to the girls/women I have met that I truly find substantial, powerful, beautiful in intricate and expanding ways, and together utterly amazing (here concurring with Aaron that the list is extensive) I have absolutely no idea what to do, what to say, how to breathe...

I freeze and I have two typical reactions:
A) Avoid them at all possible costs
OR
B) Assume that they don't and will never like me back and aim hard to cross the friend barrier, turning them into a close confidant, a hang out partner, an adivsor and advisee, a sister, and the farthest thing from a romantic relationship.

These two methods ensure that I either keep their amazingness in my life and/or avoid getting emotionally injured in any possible way.

It is an amazingly terrible method because up until now I can't say I have ever had a meaninful romantic relationship, and I have had many relationships with women. The benefit is that I do have an inordinate amount of very amazing women I can call my friends.

I think I should drop this method, but that is hard. Due to years of self-conditioning, I simply assume that any woman worth my time wants nothing romantic to do with me. It makes it easier and infinately harder, simultaneously.

I think about my friend John, whose engagement I recently learned about (while I was sad I didn't know of it earlier, I was happy I heard it instead of read it, there's something nice about that), and I find myself full of admiration. The commitment, dedication, compromise, and all the other pretty amazing qualities required to be in a relationship that leads to a real engagement and marriage, not just for the ritual and the paperwork, but a real one for which ritual and paperwork is just a sidedish, is something worth admiring these days. While I have never been a strong supporter of early marriages I can think of a few couples that were either married early, are enganged right now, or are in a relationship where one could say they are married despite the lack of formalties... that tend to prove me wrong, and the old cliche of love being all that matters more of a reality.

I think that now, in my life, I have come to a point where I no longer feel like I need a relationship, I no longer really feel pressured to get one. While I would like to be in a meaningful relationship right now, I don't feel inadequate not being in any relationship. I am utterly content and happy with my life and waiting for someone else amazing to come along. I think that means I finally AM ready for a real relatioship. But who knows? We'll see.
I would like to wait and see.
I would like someone to share the things I have a real difficulty sharing with.
I would like someone to be comfortably quiet with.