The Matress Saga pt. 5

I sleep the same now.
Not very comfortably, still rather full of aches and pains and for disgustingly long periods of time, and frequency has exponentially increased as well.
The others though are happy under the illusion of my increased pleasure during the slumbering hours...
Generally, my mood is the same as well. Generally uncomfortable and with, on a daily basis, an exponentially increasing desire to retreat into a cave and be alone. Be in darkness. Be in nothing. Not spend time with others, with god, or even with myself. Just be left alone and be that way permenantly.
This is beginning to sound a bit morbid. Its not.. Its jsut a deeper solitude I seek and I don't like it, and I can't get it, and I don't even know why I'm trying if I don't like it and it prevents me from doing anything. But, maybe its a big sign that there is nothing here I want to be doing.
Its hard to decide whether something is really meant for you to do or not. Sometimes you hold on more to the idea than to the reality. Neither is good in excess... as it goes for the majority of things.
Balance.
Equilibrium.
Moderation.
Maybe I am meant to learn not that I can get through anything; that I can't get through everything. I am limited, I am human, and the gut feeling is always right... but the gut feeling is not always the same as the feeling I want it to be or not want it to be or think it is or think its not. Its a gut feeling, its too vague to always figure out. Maybe what was meant to happen didn't, and the original plan should've been scrapped.
Maybe my gut says I should be in Nepal, not with JVI.
Maybe it says I should stick it out, not be in Nepal, but not do it for JVI.
Maybe JVI is the desired gut constant, the thing my gut wants me to finish wherever it is because my gut will learn.
Maybe my gut is retarded because I've been feeding it too much sugar and that's like lead paint to gut feelings master person kid guy girl place.
Maybe my gut is right when it says that any other place... even one of the other islands... any single OTHER place JVI could have sent me I would have loved no matter the difficulty or uncomfortability.
Maybe my gut is right when it says because of that I should be here.
Maybe my gut is right when it says because of that I should leave.
Jiwaan tyestai ho?
That's life?
We'll see what happens in this story.