Senior year of college is quite an event, I guess.
I feel tired most of the time these days, I'm not completely sure why... I guess I miss having something greater to do, something greater to see. I miss being somewhere and being someone. Although, I guess I've never actually experienced either of those, but I've had the illusion, and that is more than you can say for most people. Being in the middle of Claremont, CA with 5000 other people going through the same drab, mundane and arguably inane makes one feel a bit... small, a bit insignificant.
When I was a kid, growing up in NY and not really being able to play with anyone, I used to pretend all the time. It is hard for a kid to not be alone in NY, unless he has siblings or his parents have close friends. Even then, it is hard. A concrete mess full of thousands of people all too unwilling to meet each other, all too self important to say hi to each other, all to terrified of themselves and the people around them. Everyone and everything is the unknown in NYC, even yourself.
Anyway, I used to play alone everyday coming home from school. I used to pretend I was a warrior, or an astronaut, or a cowboy, or any of the million and one things that little boys pretend to be. I saved the world, I killed the bad guys, I had the strength, the knowledge the power... the major difference being that everyone that I had to play with, all my friends as well as my enemies were made up. There was no one to beat, there was no one to compete with, there was no one to share with.
I guess one of the reasons I'm so tired these days because I still have no idea how to play without playing alone, how to make up my friends and my enemies, how to share my powers, how to fight in a group. I am still playing alone because I am too terrified of leaving my apartment. You're not supposed to after all, it isn't allowed. Trying to figure it out is harder work than it seems, and everyone else has it down already. The world exists too much in my head and not enough in the world. Maybe that is a little sad.
I've been watching the show Lost as if I were addicted to it, its like crack for the pop brain. Beyond its ridiculous nature and implausibility, sometimes I think we're all a little lost and the world may be too much like "Lord of the Flies," a bunch of children in the wild, trying too hard to be adults but not knowing how.
