Tired

I wish I could talk right now,
or write I guess.
I wish I could share the rattling tumbling speedy passions and discolorations that pass through my emotional windshield, but the truth is that right now, at this moment, I feel pretty numbed by routine.

It is interesting how you could put 5 people in a house that don't get a long and they can get along quite well. it can be fun and you can find or at least feel like youc an find support.
Then, it is interesting when you mix it up and get 5 different people together, some old, some new, and you can have more in common, you can get along better, you can objectivly like each other more, yet find yourself completely alone.

I don't know how I feel right now.
I don't even know what I think.

The process of aculturation to the RMI has been an unsteady process.
Truth: I have grown to love this place adn its people with inmense depth and soul.
Truth: I have grown siginificantly more commited to a erlationship with God and better relationships with other people.
Truth: I have fallen in love with life. (more than ever before at least)

Yet, I can't help but consitantly be frustrated with the Marshallese, my community memebers, myself, and especially God.
I know that is ok, frustration means caring, it means active participation, it can lead to inspiration, action, motivation.
Yet, right now, its only leading me to get tired.
I'm tired of thinking about everything in a deep and analytical way, I'm tired of living in an isolated bubble away from the heart of marshallese life, I'm tired fo trying to make friends with people who don't seem to think they have time for it, I'm tired of not really knowing what people think, i'm tired of being so far from people I wish i could be around, I'm tired of thinking and caring and processing.

I just want to live my life in the way I think is good, not enclsoed by a system of rules that seems arbitary and pointless.
I feel like that may be how many people here feel on a day to day basis. Hence the drug addiction, adn the alcoholism, and the numbness and indifference and lack of action.

I feel like a teenage girl who is so caged and overprotected by her parents who want, more than anything to keep her chaste, that she wants nothing but to sneak men in through the window.
Given the responsibility over her own choices, she would most likely never choose that path, but having that responsibility taken and denied, that choice becomes the only visible root.

I find myself over stressed and disconnected.
I would love to live in Majuro not in Assupmtion.
I would love to represent myself not a reputation, or a combination of them.
I would love to make my own choices and stand against systems of opression that are part of everyday thought and have been imposed by over a hundred year old Puritanical Europeans.
I would like to be myself and not try to force myself into this mold I don't even like.

I do think, as Megan Romey told me when she was here a few weeks ago, that there is great value in learning what you don't believe and what you don't agree with.
I think i've learned it though.
And I don't want to keep learning it everyday.

I need a vacation.